Long lost post of a once lost Bee


I clearly remembered the night before my very first day of being a kolehiyala, I wasn’t able to sleep, like seriously. I was not excited. I was scared. I kept on asking myself “Can I survive?”. So I was saying, hindi pa talaga nagsisink-in sa akin that I was already a college student, taking engineering which I never imagine myself to begin with.

Never in my wildest dream!

Also to shift  from one course to another never crossed my mind when I first set foot on that university. Having enrolled on that course too. I never planned it. I never wished. It’s just happened.

Nooooooooooooo, hahaha, actually, it was a last minute decision talaga! , as if I have a choice, that’s what my father wanted me to take, So Do I have the choice? I can’t argue, they are the one financing my studies.  If you notice from my previous rants/posts, what I really wanted to take was Psychology, it doesn’t matter whether AB or BS.  I just have a thing for human nature and the likes. I don’t know, but I find them very interesting.

Oh by the way,in case you’re wondering, I enrolled in BS in Petroleum Engineering at Palawan State University, Main Campus. IT’s also a five year course with NO BOARD EXAM. So meaning, after graduation, you are already an engineer. If you get lucky, this is the career with the highest salary, like among all the careers in the whole wide world.

I don’t know if you’re aware of this course since as far as I know only 2 university here in the Philippines are offering this course, actually, Palawan State University was the first, not only in the country but to the whole Southeast Asia. That’s why there are a lot of foreign students from around the globe and of course local students from different provinces of the country, Bohol, Cebu, Cavite, Cagayan, Zamboanga, Davao and even Manilenyos, from Mapua, UP, and Ateneo and La Salle.

I think, It’s because, Malampaya is here in Palawan, and Batangas State University in Batangas, since the raw materials were being processed there.

ENGINEERING, the hell! I’m not even  good at math,  I am short-tempered with numbers, Too bad, I didn’t inherit my father’s knack on numbers. I don’t really hate it I guess, but I really don’t like solving a problem for an hour, hell! I rather memorize a very long piece of whatsoever.

I don’t really know why I agree with my father, haha,

Hmmmm.Actually I think I know, haha, I chose this over accountancy and education, Goshh,” I rather be in Engineering nalang, “, that was my mindset back then.

Hahaha, I really thought I made the best decision.

I really don’t have a concrete plan din kasi, as in, I never made up my mind, It feels like I’m not ready for college, so I just relied on that entrance examination,  I told myself that I’ll just go with the flow, I’ll just go with what will be the result. If I pass and will be qualified for Pet. E, then so be it, actually, I almost write BS Psyche on that First Choice blank, but I imagined my father’s disappointed face if I push what I wanted. So, I wrote it on the Second. After that, I told my father about my thoughts before passing that college application form but he never said anything.

And yes, he won. I was among the 150 freshmen students that were qualified.

“I actually believe in myself” , I used to, YES! nasobrahan nga siguro ng konti, haha, kaya ayun, kahit na hindi naman ako nagpabaya ng husto, ih kinulang ng konting push. Kaya ko naman ih, I knew it,(Tsss, puro ka kasi  yabang, BIA,) pero seriously I know myself and also my limitations. I think I really just thought (too much) highly of myself, since I survived my first semester with ease having a GWA of 1.81. Kaso namihasa ,ayun, may ending nga.

I have to shift from PET to ME, BUT It’s not that I failed in one of my subjects.

NO! I would never allow that. I won’t let that happen, like ever! Even tho, I know I have my super duper laziness- but despite of that naman kasi, -I always listen naman, I wasn’t able to give my 100% dedication, I knew that. Maybe my motivation to study and to strive and to excel was not enough. My effort was not enough. But seriously, I never study hard naman talaga  (nagrereview lang night before the exam or sometimes an hour before the exams) —if they only knew! And  that was always the case naman  lagi, since my elementary days palang. But one thing Im very proud to say and to admit that sobrang sipag ko gumawa ng projects, I do my projects on my own and pagpupuyatan,paghihirapan ko talaga at gagastusan. And of course, masipag ako pumasok because of Baon. Hahaha but to study and spend time or even just an hour just to review my notes ng kusa, thats out of my league. Well, naging papetikpetiks kasi ako kahit papano ng elementary at HS, and yes, nadala ko yun hanggang college.

 

College was far different. Too bad, I just realized that lately, when this unfortunate chuchu happened.

Well, enough of the tale,

Let’s say that I failed to comply with the required GWA of my first chosen course which was 2.25.Yeah!, and my GWA last last sem was  just 2.3.  Guess, I was not lucky enough with my profs, lalo, I don’t have the charm and medyo mahiyain pa ako. My minors subject were ranging from 1.5 -2.0 but sadly majors were the complete opposite, ranging from 2.5-3.0

 

It was really my first ever major failure in life. Seriously. It was depressing.

NAKAKAPANGHINAYANG, -marami ang gustong makapasok at maqualify sa program, sinayang ko yung upportunity that was given to me.

NAKAKAKONSENSYA, –for the efforts of my parents to send me to school, the money and the support and eveything.

NAKAKAINIS-this is for myself, for not giving my full effort and dedication, for not studying hard.

Kung kelan seryoso na ako na tatapusin ko sya, saka nya naman ako binitiwan at pinakawalan,

hahaha I actually don’t know how to tell my parents about it. I don’t know how to bring it up. So I tried to fix it pa naman, and then nung hindi na talaga, that was the time na I have no choice but  to tell them, but before that I was  dropping hints already.  I was literally crying when I told them, I can’t help it. It was also the first time I cried during that depression stage. They told me to moved on and just forget it. They were with me all throughout.

Back then, while having that labyrinth, I keep asking myself, why did that happen to me, How could that happen to me, Why it has to be me, Where did I go wrong? (lols,kanta pa hahaha, )

Actually, It was not just me,(good for me tho-since I can’t really imagine myself surviving and being able to stand again if it was just me).,  almost half of  our block and also a few from the other 3 blocks, including my 3 closest friends. (Atleast I have karamays-which I was thankful for, tho  I really shoudn’t,-back then)

Pero, I realized, maybe what happened to me, and to my friends was really a blessing in disguise, since our friendship became stronger, we may have our different paths to take, One pursue BS Psychology, the other Nursing, and me and the other BS Mech.Eng—But we always see to it that we see each other for atleast once a month.  We may not always talk or text or see each other, but another BUT, we always see to it, that we are always there for each other.

My family? I don’t know what to say, since they made me feel loved, I was not punished not even scolded when I told them, But of course, even though they won’t tell, I know they were quite disappointed, and I cannot blame them. My mom and my father talked to me and asked  about my plans and advised na wag nang lumayo ng ibang program, so that I can graduate on time, which was also my plan, because I also planned and promised on going back again on the program the next semester, and to ensure that I will be qualified again. –Since that was also the advice(to enroll first in ME-kasi that was the closest na kapareho ng curriculum sa PET- and to go back again the next sem) that was given to us by the chairman of the Program and the Dean nung nakiusap kami to be accepted and to be given first and last chance to prove ourselves again, meaning to say, we’re asking for Probation, kasi hindi pa naming nagagamit yung policy on probation ng program for every student which was already used by some of our blockmates that last semester. But our written request/letter was decline, since they will strictly imposed the 2.25 GWA daw. Which was so IRONIC for us since sa amin lang nangyari yung ganun, The hell? We knew a lot of our seniors and higher years who told us na hindi naman daw effective yung policy na  yun sa kanila, at marami na yung paulit-ulit na nababagsak sa subject (even majors) at di nakakaabot sa  required GWA pero nakakapag-enrol pa din sa program.Take note, It’s a rule na Hindi ka pwedeng ma-fail even sa NSTP, coz if you will, you will be automatically removed from the program.

So that’s it, we did our best already, we can’t do anything na so we followed the advise,  we enrolled and we tried to moved  on. Eventually, We had moved on with the help of the new classmates who were very accommodating and very welcoming,  we met amazing people who easily became our friends and make eveything smooth for us,-also our professors and teachers from ME, who constantly discouraged us about PET E’s, Saying that, they have no licensed and that,” walang kwenta” , na wag na daw kami bumalik dun since paubos na din yung oil.-well at first, we find it as insult, but I realized that what they said were partially and actually true at the same time.

Actually, I started this written rant, well, when that happen, I just can’t finish it and post it, and It’s been really hard for me.  I was hurt. I was bitter about everything. I pitied myself.  I was angry with myself. It felt like I was being punished and the world was closing down on me.  The pain was fresh and for me It’s better  if I just distance myself for a while from everything, from almost everyone, even my friends and from Marvin—which was a mistake since I didn’t realized I was pushing them away.

I even questioned God, but then, I realized who am I? It’s my fault after all. There is no one to blame but  ME. I admit, naging mas mahirap since I let my pride took over me.  I was so ashamed with myself, to my parents specially, and even my friends. But can you blame me? It was really hard, I swear.  I kept on praying, I kept on believing that Maybe it was for the better, But  again , It was not that easy. I felt also alone at first, I longed for my friends care, their call, but at the same time, I was afraid and so ashamed to face them. The hell, and that was really a mistake, since I already pushed some of the people who care about me.

 

My current standing is Second Year Mechanical Engineering ( supposed to be 2nd year naman talaga), a Perks of having enrolled in the same college, konti lang ang hahabulin na subjects para makahabol and to be a regular student again., tho still irregular, since I still have 4 subjects na hahabulin, and it will took 2 summer classes. It was not really hard naman pala, actually, I find it masaya, since I met a lot of people, like super a lot, some of them became my friends pa. The only ugly side of being irreg was that you have to adjust with the regular schedule, And another thing was the Monday-Saturday classes which is nakakapagod ng onti. I was able to fixed my GWA last sem, it was higher than I expected actually, And that really helps on regaining my self-esteem, that’s why  I decided to stay in this program since I found the contentment and happiness I’ve been looking for, Well, I guess. I have a feeling that this is it already.

 

I think I already moved on, hahaha, I’m happy and I’m content. I have my true friends. I have someone as my inspiration. I have my family. I have God.  I will stay in this program until I graduate. I really hope that this is where the Almighty Father wants me to be. This is where I should be. I believe that God has a plan for me. I can do this.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s